It’s been a couple of weeks now since I drove to my office on a Sunday afternoon, picked up a few personal belongings, cleaned out the Keurig adapter that I forgot the night before and taped my door key to the front of my computer. I sent a text message to my manager the next morning letting her know that I wouldn’t be coming back.
I’m very traditional with a strong work ethic and resigning without giving proper notice is not my style but in this particular situation, it seemed like the right thing to do. Of course when the news “hit the street” everyone immediately wanted to know what happened to trigger my action. There was no trigger. What it finally came down to was me loving myself enough to move on.
From the beginning I knew that I would leave there as soon as I could. I never expected to stay as long as I did but the job market is tough. I always felt like I was wearing a shoe that didn’t fit. I accepted the job at a time when I desperately needed one and was grateful to have it right up to the end. With every yearly anniversary that rolled around however, a piece of my soul died. It was not the type of environment that I could thrive in. There was very little stress in my position but the culture was one of negativity on steroids and lots of drama. Someone once said that every time a door closed, a murder went down and that wasn’t far from the truth.
I used to come home at the end of the day so mentally drained from it all that I could barely do anything else. I did my best to maintain a positive attitude for the duration and always went out of my way to show respect and to develop good relationships with my co-workers…some who I grew very fond of. I “dumbed down” to fit in and was motivated by fear…mostly fear of losing a paycheck that barely made ends meet and of what others might think or say about me if I left. This of course took a toll on my confidence and self esteem. My health was beginning to be affected also. In the end I had started to gain back the weight that I had recently worked so hard to lose. A feeling of dread would settle over me as I anticipated returning to work after having time off. There was this constant internal struggle to find a work/life balance. I was having night sweats and it wasn’t due to menopause; it was anxiety. The queasiness in my stomach on the drive to work was occurring earlier in my commute mostly because I never knew what the tone of the day would be when I got there.
I always believed that God had me there for a reason; which is one of the main things that kept me going back. I also believed that He would let me know when it was time to leave. I was beginning to envy my younger days when I was more of a risk taker. My faith was so strong back then that I always knew if I jumped, a net would appear. Lately I’ve been living in a safe zone…a dead zone…a making a living but not a life zone.
On Sunday mornings, I like to post a little something “preachy” on my personal Facebook page. My thought in doing so is it just might be the only thought provoking, inspirational message that some people read. A couple of weeks ago, I posted the following from an experience that I had back in May.
“Good morning Facebook friends. The message in this post is that when we’re going through something, God will meet us where we are. He does speak to us. I’ve been struggling with a lot of discouragement and depression lately surrounding my job. A couple of months ago I came home from work on a rainy evening and there was a package hanging inside of my storm door. It was a book titled “Wisdom From Above” by Dr. Charles Stanley with a handwritten note from a ministry ambassador from the First Baptist Church of Atlanta. You’ll fully understand the relevance of this to me if you read my blog called “Seven”. The note led me to a scripture, Isaiah 43:18-19 that says “Do not remember the former things, nor consider the things of old. Behold, I will do a new thing, now it shall spring forth. I will even make a road in the wilderness and rivers in the desert”. God sent a messenger to encourage me that evening and to give me hope at a time when I desperately needed it. Yes, God does speak to us.“
I’ve been a Christian since I was twelve years old and have had a personal relationship with Jesus Christ for most of my adult life. I’ve wrestled with trust issues when it comes to my faith but one thing that I fully understand intellectually is that faith without works is dead.
On Sunday morning, August 21st I knew that it was time for me to jump…trusting that the net would appear. I had been attending church services as often as I could and the pastor was finishing up a series called “Risk It!” Prior to the sermon that morning, the pastor’s wife spoke briefly to the congregation about being in bondage to stuff…stuff like drugs and alcohol, pornography, gambling, toxic relationships, spending, etc. She posed the question to all of us “when are you going to get off of the hamster wheel?” and I knew it was time.
Even though I’m jobless now, I have plenty of peace surrounding my decision and I’m very optimistic about the future. My family is very important to me and for the first week I couldn’t bare to tell them what I had done because of their dreaded reaction. They are logical thinkers who value security (I do too actually) and they worry about me. My son who’s opinion matters a lot just looked at me and said “who are you?” and that really hurt. My sister, who I consider a close friend as well, is doing her best to be supportive but still trying to get her head around what makes me tick…haha…good luck with that! My daughter who is one of the strongest women that I know was totally supportive both before and after. Mom, she’s already sacrificed so much for me financially and it hurt me to tell her the most. I never want to seem ungrateful for all that she’s done for me. She took it better than expected however.
My mantra today is “one moment, one minute, one day at a time”…and above all else I try to keep my eyes focused on God and not on my circumstances. I take many deep breaths and repeat it often.